There are a number of reasons to suspect such a thing. Each reason in itself is weak and easily dismissed but
importantly, they come to form a much stronger case when taken as a whole.
Foremost of the pieces is the obsessive and severe depth of my own self reflection and analysis. I have endless
analysis and thinking in a number of places and this is only my formalization of the breadth of it, over the
course of a year or more possibly, all such analysis is overall memorized. As you may have seen in the other rant
about gender, I already have mapped out in a complex way, much before.
It is only mentioned here to demonstrate, before this actual rant, the caliber of such of my analysis.
Secondly, I do have a remarkable proportion of autistic friends, more so than chance would have it. That is to
say, if I did not naturally or subconsciously select for people I connected with, then this subset would be
smaller. Yet still in other words, subconsciously selecting for people who are like me, other people who are
autistic, which reflects strongly on to me if I am to be like them as this goes. This is indeed an observed and
noted phenomenon. Though not autism specifically, a number of my friends are queer, none of which I knew about
until a while after I was friends with them. I was friends with someone for over a year before I found out about
their autism. I was friends with some other people for 2 ish yeasr before I found out that they're trans. And so
on. I again had no indication that they were, and I had no reason to suspect it. But bizarrely I became friends
with more of these such people. <OBJECTION!> "Outliers are frequently going to be far easier remembered.
You do not really have this many, but you are remembering only specific examples!" I suppose this is possible.
I don't really know for sure. At least one or two of them have said that they think I am also autistic.
Thirdly, I have on a whim, multiple times, taken the RAADS-R and scored over 140. <OBJECTION!!> "You took
those around middle school as well and you barely even got a 60. What gives? You're faking it! How else would
such a stark difference come about!" I also do not know why such a difference came about. I also have,
admittedly, a smaller sample size than I perhaps should. But I am just working with the data I have. But, if you
do not know, the minimum at which autism is considered is 65. This is approximately twice that. So again I do not
know what gives. But I suppose that's interesting.
Any one of these could be compromised or bad data, but they do all converge. The alternative becomes somewhat of
a Russel's Teapot. Do search that if you do not know what this is. As usual, I make references that I understand
because I like them and also because they are a very concise way of expressing a particular idea. I will do this
much later. and I already did that in the gender rant. Ultimately, the prosecutor's rebuttals are constrained
such that they are approaching a pipe dream as x approaches infinity. This alone does not quite feel enough, all
of this. There should be one more thing, but Descartes' demon prevails.
To elaborate on the first point, more will be said. My hyperfixations are peculiar. I already have ADHD, and I
know this very well. Autism and ADHD both have hyperfixations, but they are remarkably different kinds and with
remarkably different natures. As examples of autism-type hyperfixations, here are a number of them.
Linguistics
(and constructed languages), biblical studies (textual criticism, cognitive sciences of religion, history,
archaeology, and such things), and finally, Phantasy Star. NOT Phantasy Star Online. Specifically the original
four JRPG games. I have beaten PSIV many times, I can enumerate its plot in full off the top of my head, although
this would take a number of hours. I have
also played many randomizers. In fact I first touched this series when I was like, 8.
Linguistics is around the same age. My first constructed language was made in around 5th grade, formalized in
6th, and it has continued since. In fact, here is the first sentence of the UDHR article 1 in one of them:
"Watengman raihkorokostaengrouptouh ketensotnom kokesotrokumsek taohpiertouh." Anyway, bible hyperfixation is
somewhat newer but still over a year old. Thus are the big three. Those are the long term Autism type
hyperfixations. As well, I suppose, is Terraria's Calamity Mod. As well as Diabarha, an electronic artist whom
I have listened to for at least 5 years since the release of Rupture. Actually I think it would be 6 years by
now. I could name very many albums, roughly too with their chronology. And other such things. My favorite song
has been Mariana Trench, from Confession of Lazarus, track 32, by him; since it came out. I still know how to
read Polish, and I still have two out of three verses memorized in Wiktoriański Więzień, from this same album.
I have listened to every single album of his with the exception of Blood Redemption.
Now, here are a number of ADHD type hyperfixations. I was interested in Buddhism for a period of approximately
a week in 7th grade. It was very intense and very focused, very informative, and I did learn excessive amounts
about it, including the nature of meditation and other such things. But good things do not last forever. Similar
such one about Jainism which was around half as long. There also is Sailor Moon, M*A*S*H, Celeste, reading
Lovecraft, Rubik's cubes (this one sort of still exists but I forgot the names of all of the unofficial Chinese
toy manufacturers by now, and I have not touched the few that I have in many months or years). As well as
breadboards and 6502 assembly programming. Now however I am interested in and well versed with 68000 assembly. :)
The demon says I'm just taking labels that don't belong to me because I want them.
Why am I the one exception to my scrutiny? I do not know anyone else. Ultimately one autistic person is one
autistic person, as the saying goes, sort of. I know who I am, and I can speak for myself whereas I cannot
speak for them. I cannot speak for anyone else, and so, if I am told "I am autistic!" I have no choice but to
accept it. I can only assume it's true. I would rather not be an asshole even if I am kind but wrong. And as I
said, I do not know them like they know themself, and I cannot scrutinize them. They may have a million reasons
and who am I to dispute them. I have no standing to dispute their own self understanding. However as I said, I
am me, so I can investigate as much as I please! And I can dispute and diminish and shame myself as much as I
want. This is not special pleading, but instead intellectual honesty. The fear is not whether I am
neurotypical, but whether what I have experienced is enough to count for a diagnosis or any such thing.
Sensory stuff is a pretty common thing people talk about with autism, and I would have said, for the longest
time, that I do not have sensory issues. I mean, why do I? I don't get meltdowns or any such thing. In fact I
feel remarkably normal. So I suppose there is an interesting profile to be had.
First is sound. I love harsh noise, I love power electronics, I love Hanatarash, Merzbow, Guilty Connector,
The Gerogerigegege, and other such things. Texture matters a thousand times more than lyrics. I cannot stand
pop, because it puts all of the skill points into lyrics and not into texture. And it is usually fairly corny
stuff. I love drone rock, other types of noise, black metal, Lo-fi hip hop (but only kinda; the more simple or
popular stuff not so much), I am picky about country music. I love dubstep. And Black Eyed Peas, LMFAO, and
other such stuff. And obviously Diabarha. :)
I hate lights. They do not overwhelm me. Fluorescent lights bug me! They are annoying and unpleasant. It is
not necessarily a big deal. But I will always turn the lights off if it does not make anyone else feel worse.
Darkness is so peaceful and calm, it does not ask anything from you. :) It's great. I love a really pleasant
night stroll. I will get one. <RECESS!> It was a good idea. It was rainy pretty quickly and I don't like
rain. It feels spikey and unpredictable :( But anyway, lights are not something I necessarily like. But it is
not super important. But for more visuals, I really enjoy staring at dense images and other textures and such
things. I like looking at complex things. I enjoy Horror Vacui art, the works of Ivan Seal, I have been making
my own images like this as well. On the contrary, I detest Yves Klein.
Food is more of a significant thing. Among the foods I do not like, they are mushroom, zucchini, egg, and then
almost all fat and connective tissue. What do I mean? The more I have, the more I eat, I increasingly gag. It
is very well manageable at the start, and slowly scales higher and higher until it is a substantial battle to
get said food down. The rate of these are different, for example, mushrooms are around the quickest of these
to get to such a point. And it is not necessarily being picky because as I said it is true gagging.
Touch is another seeking sense. I like feeling things. I like feeling the texture of new keycaps, or the back
of a new phone, or a cigarette filter, or some really nice pants, or such a thing. I like how grass feels
sometimes. Whereas shirt tags do not really bother me. However I do not like when pants are tight or feel tight
and they do not necessarily reach down. I prefer baggier stuff. Some tics are relevant to texture.
I prefer uncomfortable hot rather than uncomfortable cold too. I would rather spend 30 minutes outside in 99
fahrenheit than 33 fahrenheight. So I guess that's useful too maybe. I did exactly that, it wasn't that bad.
Yeah it sucked but like I was not really super bothered.
Food and music are my two favorite things in this world.
So I saw a video about "autism decoding social rules" and my comment was: «Eh it's not that bad. That's the
easy part. They are the ones asking questions to me [instead], like "why are you looking over there" or "why
are you moving like that" or "why are you so quiet" and such questions.» I stand by this generally.
<OBJECTION!!> "You could not point to such a thing. You can not point to examples and even if you could,
they are few in number. You are despicable for cherrypicking anecdotes, and you are laughable for only being
able to find so few." Alright, maybe. I suppose this could be the case. Such a thing has indeed happened to me
even if it is somewhat annoying. And I am thinking of even more such examples. It is annoying because I do not
indeed have a reason, but suddenly I have to come up with something that will satisfy such a question.
I saw another video by the same creator. This video said something like "I recently realized a new way society
has traumatized me as an autistic person." and she said that she was in an air port and her water bottle became
empty and she was looking for a fountain, and spent an hour looking, because there must be one. And yet she did
not find one, and she asked an employee who said "We are undergoing renovations and we do not have those. You
will have to refill at the bar." And she realized. I know no such thing. To me it sounds normal. To me, that
sounds normal and rational, or just not a big deal. Is it even autistic? I don't know. I relate to no such
thing, but it is hardly unusual or atypical. "A non autistic person would have believed their own brain and
their own reality" is not something I can agree with. Perhaps it is only the case that I have not known reality
any other way. Is this just a normal Tuesday to me? But I think this would be giving me too much credit.
"But me, being conditioned to never trust my own reality, because I must be doing something wrong and it must
always be my fault. I just didn't believe there wasn't a [water fountain]." I ended up writing this comment:
"That doesn't really seem that big to me. This is not to be rude, but this is to say that... this doesn't really seem weird. The logic is sensible. None of it sounds unusual or atypical or out of the ordinary. I would not necessarily be so callous as to say to your face, that you are blowing it out of proportion, but... I am not sure that's what this is."
I would still agree. In fact, I can hardly say that I am myself traumatized. I am inclined to think that she
is blowing this out of proportion. Her experience sounds frustrating but mundane, and I am under the impression
that she is misusing clinical language such as gaslighting. I do not construct rigid schema like that, and I
don't assume that I'm the problem when they don't match, this is because I do not make them rigid. I have
absolutely no known anecdote to point to that is even analogous to this story of hers. You yourself have seen
taht I am so introspective and so analytic about my own experiences. Would you not agree that if I had such an
experience, that I would notice it?
Am I just really good at downplaying things? Well I know I very well am, but I don't know if it's relevant.
I am aware that there is some amount of emotional dysregulation. And yet it is suspicious how little I relate,
and how suspicious it is that I have not thought so much about the counterarguments. <OBJECTION!!>
"Indeed how suspicious, you fraud! You miserable charlatan! You only want to be autistic because you have
defined yourself by this lens and you are too much of a coward to stop!" Maybe. Is the impostor syndrome
obvious?