I am BGD. What am I? Cringe. I know I'm not cis, that's about it. Nonbinary seems fair and that seems like
a good direction. But that isn't the full story, one must ask what lies further. I have considered
mimicnull
in the past. I do like it. It also isn't the full story. Masking is weird and I've been sort of devoid of
alexythemic or something along those lines for plenty of time. But I don't think that's right. This shouldn't
be my label to steal. I don't deserve it.
Masking is still weird. I would have said that among dudes I consider myself a dude simply, one of the bros,
as it were, and among women that I consider myself femininely, one of them too. I'm not sure how correct this
is anymore. I do feel unhappy with masculinity and more happy with femininity. But I am not completely one or the
other. My gender is quantum, it collapses when you try to observe it, from unresolved superpositions. Anh and chị
are both fine probably, for those who know.
Mimicnull was developed for neurodivergent people and I can confirm I am indeed one of them. I am a thing that
exists. That I also know. I feel undeniably connected to femininity. I don't want to completely abandon
masculinity. I am like a cheap knockoff of masculinity, that is what I should be. This is full of tangents and
non-answers and that's fine. I did not expect anything more than that.
Am I a dog? Well I'm not not a dog I think. I don't know. I don't think so. Moth, opossum, and raccoon, are the
things I am. I don't know. Moth and opossum are somewhat two sides of one coin. This coin is different to the
coin with racoons on it. Neither coin is wrong. Neither coin is complete. Both coins represent entirely different
parts of me and don't necessarily strictly overlap. I do not want a hybrid either. I have perhaps given myself
a losing battle. We'll see.
My gender can be whatever is funniest in the moment or whatever is the most simple. Sometimes the goal is just to
shut up the inquirer. So I will tell them what they want to hear. Or because it's funny. Because I love a good funny.
I considered unlabeled too and that's certainly the easiest answer but it is also completely insufficient. I
absolutely must have a label. There is no further that the debate will go. I will have the last word. I have gone
a long time also thinking that aesthetic attraction must mean that the aesthetic fits me. This isn't the case.
I have also gone a long time thinking that aesthetic attraction was romantic attraction or sexual attraction.
I can be reasonably certain that I am aroace at least. I don't think I should be. But I am. So that's fine.
Being without labels is simply off the table.
Pronouns are difficult. I've used any/all for a while. That's nice. It/its is also tasty to me. Everything else
is just not really there. I'm not sure necessarily how much I like these anyway. I am one person. I do a lot of
things. I inhabit a lot of roles, a lot of personalities. None of it at the same time. I do not have multiple at
once, and they aren't distinct from me, they do not communicate and there is complete shared memory. No alters.
That's useful to know at least. I play shmups and I make music but I am not both a musician and a shmup player at
the same time. I would say. Or something along those lines.
My self image changes plenty, it seems. And it doesn't change easily. When I was way younger, I watched TMNT, and
that was fun and good but afterwards I wasn't me. There's always the meme about downloading your personality from
what you watched. I wasn't any of the turtles. I was some raccoon thing. A clever ninja. And I danced around
doing poses while wearing a Lungi. This hasn't really stopped but it's changed forms. Sometimes my self portrait
in my head is a mix between Marshall Applewhite, and Ranulph Fiennes, in greyscale. That sometimes happens.
Sometimes I am just a silly goober :3. Sometimes I am stoic and emotionless and serious. This is one of those
times. Sometimes I'm sick, sometimes I'm perfect.
A god, a deity, a holy and perfect thing, with self harm scars.
Now what do you think about the image of that. A being so perfect, so superior. What does it mean to you. What do
you make of it. Tell me, who ask thee, in detail. Is it a paradox to you? Think on it. I will let you do the work
to think about what it means with respect to me. Because I won't. The line "tell me who ask thee" is also a
reference to the translation of the Mahabharata attributed to Kisari Mohan Ganguli. Good work. Impressive man.
Sometimes I want to be an impressive man. Sometimes I don't want to be a man. Sometimes I want to be a waste.
Sometimes I want to be god. There's something in that. Sometimes I feel like I'm kanye west. Or something.
That was one that happened after watching a video essay on him. I do not choose what imprints on my self image
and when or for how long. It just happens. There is also Stay Ugly, album by sadly defunct Crim3s. I really do
like them and I really wish they were active but I'm not necessarily going to complain about it because it is
their choice and not mine. EP by them. The cover imprinted. I felt like an entire sweaty and gross cunt the
entire rest of the day which was especially not when my sense of identity is apparently as fragile as this as it is.
And when I was new to having someone I really liked. We called ourselves girlfriends. That isn't wrong nor is it
right even now. But I am in fact still with her and she is absolutely the best. Either way that was interesting.
And uncomfortable. But again I do not choose when it happens or how it happens or for how long it lasts, or whence
the imprint comes. I invent and repurpose all sorts of words to explain what I need. My sense of self gets
overwritten.
I also don't quite know what my name is. I like a lot of names. Being drawn to names also I thought meant that it
would be me. This too is false. There are many such names. I was Cadaverine for a while before I realized this
does
not fit me. Oh well I guess. There are many such names. I feel equally distant to all names that I've tried or
found, none of them necessarily work for me it seems. Oreo is another option. Sadly it's copyrighted I guess.
But that shouldn't actually matter. It should still be viable. When I was younger I had a friend who had a cat
named Oreo. Animal names are a good place to look for me I think. Masculine names also seem to be overall more
compelling than feminine names to me. Why is this the case, when I am clearly more feminine oriented? No idea.
Maybe I am less of a fraud and a fake if I choose a name like that, maybe I am less of a fiend and a pervert to
choose a name that is masculine. Bollocks. This is stupid. I'm stupid. You're stupid. You're not stupid.
I suck.
I'm just a loser. Well at least an answer was found, perhaps this was not in vain.